With the change in medications, it’s been refreshing to see more and more of my daughter with clarity. She’s even been a bit feisty like before. It has opened up a couple can of worms situations.
Shade is an intelligent young lady. She studied production automation in tech school with the hopes of becoming tech maintenance at the company she worked with. That intellect is buried deep within her. She still feels the need to search, research, investigate, and learn. It’s a living hell for her to lie around during the day listening to goons go from bullies to favorite friend… She and I are deeply grieved at the loss of this talent. It’s a weight that we must learn to free ourselves from, the love we had for the former self.
As she awakens in spurts, her curiosity has been drawing her to scroll on her phone. It’s not something I encouraged, nor discouraged. It just is. Those times she is waiting for me to return home from work, or when she is unable to sleep on schedule, invariably she is chatting with a stranger, or scrolling.
The last few weeks, because we’ve had more conversation than ever in the last two years, I became lax in following up with her doings, as she was in her room, she was safe at home, and she hadn’t been causing any trouble, her or the goons, depending on how you view things.
The goons are great at manipulating her, and I felt lucky that they hadn’t hatched any plans to cause Shade to walk off down the street alone. If she is home alone, and respectful, no need for me to continually check up on her… or is there?
One night this week, I went to say my good nights and I love yous. She was busy on her iPad in her room the whole evening, as I could hear through the wall the voice of someone other than her. It’s not unusual when she is in a chatty uptick between shots.
She really has not very many people who will respond to her from her previous life, including her brother, her father, her uncles and cousins. I don’t think there is any stigma with her illness, it’s more they simply don’t recognize her. She is very different, not joking or playful, very quiet mostly. They don’t know how to interact with new Shade. I don’t blame them, I can’t do anything about how they feel. My priority is Shade’s health and wellbeing, and that is enough work.
Back to her long conversation on the iPad and good night. When I popped my head into the room, she flinched back to hide her screen. She had never done that when chatting with anyone before. I let it go for the moment so we could wind down and get to sleep 😴, 4 am comes very early for me to get to work.
The next day after work, I asked some questions and let her tell me in her own time. The goons wouldn’t allow her to talk for a good while. This is now a fact of life. Shade would have told me, but sometimes she is caught by the voices and blocked.
I’m watching for triggers, but I haven’t been documenting things very well, so I forget a lot. I was hoping these conversations would be the documentation, but I can’t seem to get back to them as often as we need to write stuff down.
It’s been brought to my attention many times on Substack, that the platform is not for journaling, and that to succeed, you need to meet the needs of the reader. I’m sorry to break it to anyone, but Schizophrenia is ALL CONSUMING, so I’m going to have to write the way Shade and I need to ✌ Tho, we would like to help others, we just don’t know how yet.
Come to find out, Ms Divina, was purchasing courses, for the last month, and 1-1 coaching calls to make money 💵 How lovely and thoughtful of her… right?!?
Shade has no income, so anything she buys, I’ve been having to pay…and I’m struggling to keep her housed and fed and joyriding. Thankfully, the lord did provide a way to care for her psychiatric health.
I’m so grateful, and often wonder how others in her situation get to this point if they have no help. I also think, we should help another person get stabilized, but it takes so long with the medication, the dr visits. It’s a very long process. I don’t think Shade would tolerate the attention deficit at this moment.
Even Shade has not arrived at the point of awareness to her illness. She still things some of the goons are gods, and must submit to their word, and thinks I also must submit to her goon gods, sometimes. Those are interesting conversations that usually end up with one of us crying for sheer love of the other not getting it.
The course she was trying to study, and not able to concentrate on, was nearly $900. Plus 2 other mentor programs. It’s almost 2 weeks pay for me. I told her it was 2 weeks of time that I had to stay away from her, instead of be with her.
These are clearly her inner 4-year-old, still vying for mom attention. She is still hurting in the deepest part of herself without her knowing. And she’s bored. But she cannot concentrate to study. It’s not something her illness allows her to do in its current form. She also wants desperately to move out of this house, which is not going to happen anytime soon.
I’ve been trying to trust her with her credit cards, and just monitor her usage, but clearly it has escaped the boundaries of my attention. Part of me wants to be enraged, because old Shade would have known better. But She is not old Shade.
At this point, I don’t even know how to handle the credit card situation. I took them away, I had her install her apps on my iPad to monitor them, and set up alerts. We’re just going to have to go down to the bank and make some sort of arrangement with alerts and co accounts. I don’t know. She has to have something for her disability to be direct deposited into in her name.
These are things, I was hoping the guardianship would take care of, yet here we are 9 months later and nothing is resolved. I called to get updated, and we are told they will return the call or send an email. Nothing… I send an email and ask for an update and get a bill, but no update. I’m stuck… I have no ideas what to do at this point, as i’m financially committed to the attorneys and the cases they are working/or not working?
Well, If I continue this post, it will just turn into a rant. Things are crazy in our house. I don’t have any solutions, so we are just going to follow
latest gem of truth=CWYCC
Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often
LaLa 👋
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