Today was a BIG achievement for mi nena Shade, my divine daughter. Shade was able to leave for the evening in the company of others, without her momma.
Divina has been reaching out to look for churches that her voices approve of. It’s a task solely provoked by her schizophrenia. She doesn’t share what the voices tell her, or the conversation. It’s as if she is honor bound to hold the heavens secrets. Occasionally she does allow a breadcrumb to slip out without realizing it though.
For the last couple months, between chatting with young men from dating apps, she has been looking for churches. She has a foundation of bible teachings from her childhood from going to the Kingdom Hall, and I must admit it has served her well in forming a kind, moral women of high values. She is a humble, loving soul, who cares for all and knows no enemies, internally nor externally. She cannot judge truly if someone is safe or dangerous. That is my role as mom, nurturer, guide, and protector.
I’ve been much more strict with her as our adult relationship progresses with the addition of SMI [serious mental illness]. She cannot tell reality from delusion. The changes to her medications have helped her become more cognitively connected to hold a brief conversation, but it has not removed delusional thinking, nor voices that promote the delusion.
With the addition of the latest pharmaceutical, she has been more “awake” but also more vulnerable. She believes that the voices are gods, & Jesus, though they treat her more like demons from my point of view. There is no reasoning with her. One cannot appeal to logic to convince her of what she experiences as true to herself.
Internally, there is some twisted love affair between Jesus & God, some tug o war for who will be Shade’s love. It also involves Mother Earth at times, but She has taken a back seat lately to the internal novela. I really have no idea where things are in the timeline as it goes back and forth from minute to minute. I don’t even want to keep track at this point.
All that we know is what we observe from the outside, and what she lets slip from time to time during therapy or a rebuttal to something I’ve said. She is in fact still that little girl inside whose mother left for 2 years to do god knows what without her. She never wanted to go to therapy to help heal our past. Now those feelings manifest in God interrupting therapy and causing great physical discomfort when we have our dedicated counseling at Peace River Center.
Shade as been provided some of the best free care in the county, by some grace of something. I am thankful for her care team and the blessing of all the help she receives between physical health and mental health.
It’s been a grand trial waiting for help from SSID disability. With the denial of benefits after 18 months of awaiting a decision, it has taken a toll. Financially I’ve gone from Zero debt to around $15k in the hole, not include the car I purchased for safe joyriding. Those expenses are in addition to the no cost pharmaceuticals provided by assistance programs from the manufacturer.
It’s no joke, schizophrenia… it is ALL CONSUMING. It takes all your energy, thought, feelings, relationships, empathy, money, time along with your loved ones mind and body. It is ALL CONSUMING. There is no alternative. You have to care for your love. You have to do everything within your power to ensure their health and comfort, because they are suffering every waking moment. You have to remain calm in their presence, & fall apart alone away from their knowledge. It is the most horrendous trial, we’ve ever faced. And you have to do it while continuing to live, love, care for family, work, survive. It is ALL CONSUMING.
I am not dramatizing the amount of effort it takes to wake up each day knowing, Shade will awake in pain & have to deal with such unloving conversations programmed directly into her conscious from her own mind. It is excruciating to be powerless to help, or even know how to help.
No one knows how to treat this disease except for medication that ruins the body to save the mind. And you have to bless it, you HAVE to bless that it brings a small part of your love back to you, in tiny, fractal increments of part of the person you knew before… at least in our case, I do get a few little glimmers of my wonderful daughter. A hug, an I love you momma, a “can we go for a ride, momma” little slivers of my baby girl in between the grandiose god saying “WELL,… I want YOU to…” I wouldn’t wish that conversation on anyone, and I get it regularly. Enough…
Today, the auspicious day, of mi Divina taking a breather alone away from home without her momma. A mental rest I hope for her and for me. And yet here I am, contemplating on her moment of fractional independence with the assistance of an old beloved acquaintance from her childhood church days. She matched up with someone we used to know from the Kingdom Hall 20 years ago. Life took us all in these little circles around the universe and back to each other ♾️ such a strange life we are blessed with.
Divina asked for a Bible study on our last visit on Sunday to Church, [we refer to them as meetings, but same concept] She was granted her wish finally, after a year of going to various places to find her worshiping space. She had a visit from a dear old friend who did indeed begin a bible conversation with her while I was at work.
I do approve of her having this activity. It helps her cognitively, since she really has no other outlets [that she chooses to use] for exercise of her brain outside of these random chats with strangers online. I don’t like those at all, but again, as long as she is alone at home while I am at work, having a cognitive output in conversation is good for her. It’s not without dangers tho… and that is my own fears projecting from my past experiences, mostly.
I think she understands that she cannot meet any of these people she chats with. I reminder her constantly when she brings it up. We are a package deal, She is in need of a caretaker. I am becoming her guardian, because she needs protection and help. When I try to push her a bit, she will tell me often that she is disabled, then of course, I let her be.
I am always working toward stretching her ability to think… to use her brain muscle, so her mind does not deteriorate as quickly. To allow as much functional ability for as long as possible. Think about how would you do that without overstepping a disabled persons capabilities or willingness. It’s a hairline tightrope dance. Schizophrenia is all consuming folks.
Shade is consumed by voices, and I am consumed with thoughts of how to help her deal with schizophrenia. I am broken… and I needed this evening to acknowledge as much. Shade needed this evening to not be my ward, but just a person. Tonight, even though present, we both got a breather from the BIG BAD Wolf of serious mental illness. I hope!
The hope is, it brings her a few moments of peace, as I see she had on Sunday. A couple of minutes without rocking, a memory of a song once sung, a hug from someone back in the day. Hopefully, these moments can help Shade put the gods in check for a bit and let her feel a bit of joy. I am so grateful to the church for following up this time, for sending someone to check on her, for remembering to invite her, for allowing her the safe space to go to church as a grown up without her momma. She needed this. I needed this.
I cannot wait to see if she has something to share when she returns tonight. I hope the voices let her tell me of her adventures.
Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often
Divina & LaLa 👋
I am so glad your daughter had the opportunity to go out on her own with someone you both trusted. I hope you had quality self-care time for yourself, given how rare this moment was. Now I’m eager to know how Shade’s time out went too. Thank you for sharing the challenging and admirable path you lead, amiga querida. ❤️🌸
Getting out tonight sounds like a great opportunity. Schizophrenia for me has meant a lot of time alone with my delusions and voices. Being around people is healthy.