Bound together and worth any ask
When you raise children, the objective is for them to be happy fulfilled adults who can care for themselves.
I use to worry that Nalo would be my housebound adult child. Thinking that his borderline autistic traits would make life to hard to be out on his own alone.
Then he joined the Marines, and the Marines let him, without any qualms. Amazingly he not only survived, he thrived. The marines gave him whatever it was he needed to draw from deep inside himself and pull it up from the bootstraps to succeed. I’m overjoyed at his progress and his achievement.
He does not have great social acumen, but by god he can survive, when I pass.
Divina was my brave child. The extrovert, well, after the shyness. I would take her to church and she had a hug route between the seats of all the little old sisters. She would just shine her glinty smile and the hugs would engulf her. Might have been a few pieces of candy in there too, but she loved those ladies genuinely.
Time and unforeseen circumstances took her away from that safe space. Divina traveled the US a couple times before settling back in Florida close to her momma. Eventually even her dad moved back close to her. She’s got the Big 3+ right here in Florida. Plenty of love.
But it doesn’t include the love of her best friend. The one who promised on bended knee to guard her for the rest of her life. This promise is what is tripping up the whole world of my sick, hurting little girl.
Her medication blocks her feelings, which you would think is a good thing in this case. [I have no scientific evidence for such claims, just my own mom gut instinct]. It doesn’t matter much what i believe. Daily it’s happening. Like a sucker punch from the inside out.
I don’t understand how it involves the guardians, but it does. They block the feelings & they block the medicine [Divinas theory not mine, but remember, she also thinks she’s possessed and not ill]
If Shade does not submit to the commands of the brutes that inhabit her mind, they punish her. Whether actually, or delusionally, the effects are dramatic. She is in pain, her head, & her body.
It doesn’t have a medical explanation yet.
We go for tests, we go for cleanings, for exams, for follow ups. The only sure thing is her head hurts & she hears voices. She flinches, a reflex action from what she sees from inside her head, not something outside in the real world.
I’m convinced more now that the 2nd head accident was caused by psychosis and not the reverse. She did not get psychosis from head trauma. More testing will probably reveal it. [again momma sense]
Meanwhile, prodding, contrasts injections, holding still while magnets 🧲 take her picture are inevitable. She will have a lifetime of injections, tablets, pills, concoctions and pain.
To witness it is killing me. It’s only been less than a year, the first year. I’m already tired physically and emotionally burning down the candle. Trying to work 10-12 hours 4-6 days a week. Take the day off for back to back appointments. Carry all the mental load, just like when she was little. Take back all the responsibility that I taught her to carry as an adult. I willingly hold my hands out to accept it all back.
It’s the emotions for both that is choking me. She is a zombie child now. Very little conversation. Very little care about normal things, like baths, or clean clothes. Things that were a big part of her life, like Disney movies.
She asked for the subscription to the Disney channel, she has watched it maybe twice. She cannot handle it. It was her favorite. I thought she may remember & draw up some feelings from her childhood, the before David years.
She lays in bed rocking and writhing in pain waiting for me to get home from work. Then she asks for a ride. That’s all.
She breathes deep, and somewhat relaxes until she’s back in the house and begins to pace again. It’s very much like watching someone geek out from meth. These cocktails of products that we have to bless for existing. Without them, she would be hysterical or catatonic. I’ll take the geeking.
I’m trying my best to indulge every wish she asks for. She knows the stakes and she knows what I have to offer. Mostly it’s just love and patience. My husband looks at me like I’m crazy when I leave out after work every single day for just a ride or ice cream.
I am! I am crazy in love with this incredible daughter, who wakes up brave everyday in the throws of darkness and continues on. I don’t care if it takes every penny, If I die destitute, No matter what it takes, this girl deserves any ask.
Fortunately, at this moment in time, we have so many conveniences and tools of science. Man, I pray for a breakthrough, and I pray for a miracle, and if we have to have AI, it better learn how to fix schizophrenia FAST!
Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often
LaLa 👋
You are not alone.
One step at a time.