Hard and Sweet
October chronicles = ride the waves of life and love
Nearly two years into this journey of living other worlds right here on Earth, we have had our hardest month yet.
Many of the activities are becoming routine, which leads to a form of stability for mi Divina, Shade. However, due to the amount of time she spends alone while awake, it’s led to some disquieting behaviors.
There is something deep inside Shade that wants to be Independent to the point of being an Entrepreneur. I have no idea where she gets it from, 😏 as she witnessed someone she loves going from unhappy housewife to Indie Maker Mode. She also has a very warm loving spot for her family, while craving the attention of her mami. We simply, quietly, warmly, bravely, love each other to our core. But Shade is, or was, the Alpha female in our relationship, and it has been this way from birth. My existence in this world was to bare the most divine love in the world, and then cater to her every whim.
JB tried to teach me early on, at the dinner table, that Shade does not run the house. I was asking her what she wanted on her plate, sad when she wouldn’t eat what I made for the family, scurrying when she cried for something else. She and I were miserable trying to make Divina happy. The more I gave in, the more miserable she was.
Her daddy was fed up with a two year old dictating everything. He said in no uncertain terms, “You fix it, she eats it!” Yes, 28 years ago we were still carrying around the baggage of scarcity mindset at our tables, and trying to program it into our children.
There were parts of it that made sense. Toddlers want consistent firm, loving leadership. They were not made to head a household. Period. To acquiesce down to her level for every bite of food, bath-time, or storybook, was a disaster in the making. It was not peaceful or loving for anyone in the house, or the neighbors windows, to be honest.
Deferring to JB’s decision to not cater to a 2 year old, I simply made dinner and let him handle meal time after that. It worked, sometimes with a belt dangling around his neck for emphasis, without much actual use, but the threat still in the air.
I will clarify at this point, Shade was never physically abused. She is strong willed and we both loved her beyond our own lives, but an unhappy Shade really made for a miserable family. Once she understood we meant what we said, in our follow thru, her childhood became much more child like, and less diva miserable. And it didn’t take long, but we had to be consistent and firm for her to believe us. JB maintained that dynamic of parents direct and kids obey. It worked for peace.
Flash forward to around 11 or 12. Divorce looms on the horizon, and she is utterly oblivious to her parents parting. Shade is at the height of her childhood innocence, and naïveté. Her protection from our problems, really sideswiped her from noticing the imminent split of the magic little kingdom family.
After some time of figuring out who and what goes where, Shade was settled into life right back where she was safe and sound, her own lovely room, in the house she grew up in, with the dad and brother who were always present to protect. Mom was on the road, and visits with mom in the Semi truck were adventures in time and space, not mothering or home. The balance had shifted.
Divina earned her name as a divine being. No signs of schizophrenia at this point. She was a normal, as normal could be for a little brown girl who lived with her black daddy, white brother, and part time with her white truck driving momma.
Being insecure in my station with my daughter, I reverted back to what I knew from the beginning. “Your wish is my every command” mentality. It was tremendous pressure, to fulfill, but having those core family years allowed Divina to be grounded, having great memories to carry her thru the tough feelings of the current situation. I don’t think she knew the power she had, it wasn’t something she abused. We just wanted Shade to be happy, regardless of the circumstances, and that meant more of us saying yes, than no. There were no bad guys, only “yes” men, or “maybe”, which was donned the invisible “NO”.
As she was moved from her home, to high school at mom’s place, her displeasure seemed apparent. [I have since been corrected in this assumption, by Divina] My house mates were not good choices, for her nor I. She was more aware of that than I was, obviously. Her insight has always been, well for lack of a better word, divine.
She would bring her schools friends home for momma to care for. They were the wounded and thrown about ones that flocked to her. Shining with love, and humor, drew people to her, those who needed love and humor to survive. She was like a mother hen at a very young age, and her wings spread to protect all around her.
I’m sitting here wondering where the long list of kids that called us family are now, when Divina could use a kind conversation, or an outing in the park like all those years before.
It was Divina’s world for years, and then she left for Texas, without us.
Thankfully upon returning, Shade settled in with David and began the task of trying to convert her husband to a family culture. We see how much he lacked in the regard to family first, as she now struggles alone without her husband.
Every time I think of that boy, I want to strangle him with my bare hands. It’s best he stay away for a bit longer, because I have no forgiveness for him yet. I cannot even pray for forgiveness in my heart yet. If thoughts were weapons, he’d be skinned alive… Comanche movies have been my entertainment this week, and I had no idea of the cruelty preformed upon a human while extending their life to the endure the pain. There were very dark times in human history, and I’ve been reliving them on the tele, but I digress.
I don’t think I could ever hurt David. It would just make Divina suffer, so it’s best my thoughts flow out in print, instead of actions.
Deep in her psyche, Shade is strong and fiercely independent, but also humble, loving and respectful of the people she loves most, her parents. She is my divine love, and teaches me everyday how to love another, even in the face of such adversity.
The beginning of October was reaching a point of stability in our routine and Divina’s cumpleaños=birthday was approaching. It’s not our custom to celebrate birthdays, leftover remants from the years of Bible Thumping. She had taken up a bible study with JW org, and even with Latter Day Saints, and was settling into going to church from time to time, for a bit of peace. The voices dictate which services they want her to attend as far as I can tell. There is still no allowance from the goons to explain the plan going on in the celestial realms of Shade’s mind.
The days leading up to Shade’s last day of being 29 were agitated, a lot of pacing and very serious countenance as the goons “prophesied” to her. More than usual, attentive to her mood, we didn’t know where it was going to lead.
Our appointment schedule had eased off for October, less doctors, but our regular therapy and medicine appointments were maintained. We went to Ms K counseling in the new office with a window, yet deep inside the mental health center. Everything is locked as you approach offices for the safety of the providers. This is the Crisis Center, and when someone is ready to take themselves out of this plane, they end up here, either by choice or by force. It can be looked at from many angles, but from my vantage point it is life saving, and life is sacred. The work they preform here is sacred and loving, but it is thankless and ugly.
The new dosage increase of medication had been having results for Divina. She was having clarity, and could speak on this day. Her dr was cued into this and prompted Shade to do as much talking as possible for herself. It was obvious that Shade was present in her body, and she does love Ms K. Some of the other goons that speak through Shade do not seem to have reverence for anyone other than themselves. It’s always a very one sided conversation when Shade gives the floor to Jesus, or God, and there are so many of them that vie for the podium at the mouthpiece.
The session led to asking some point blank questions, about her safety, which led to more questions about safety. Why do you choose to not shave any longer? Would she harm herself? Have there been suggestions from the goons to harm anyone else?
Shade was able to answer all those questions, just 2 days before her birthday, exactly 2 years from when it was obvious Shade was very ill and needed help. She still is very ill and still needing help.
The conversation was open, honest and led to answers no one expected, least of all me. The goons want ol mom’s dead it seams, and have suggested it be handled by someone in Shade’s body. She fears she will not be able to control them, as she blacks-out with no memory.
Of course, for emphasis, a therapist has to ask…”Did you know about this? Have you taken any precautions? Are sharp objects locked away at your home?” All the while, I’m gasping for breath and trying not to let anything show, because Shade is observant, and her subconscious is recording everything happening around her, just like court, to be used against her, or now it seems, us!
This convo is not leading to anywhere good, from the prospects of a mother. A few more minutes to finish the session and the counselor to her credit does what she must with grace, tact, and duty. Shade did not come home, but stayed at the facility for the mandated term, decided upon the tending psychiatrist at the crisis center. Her brutal innocent honestly led her to over 2 days of intense observation and confinement, and she knew it was going to be like that when she answered those questions. She wanted to put herself away to save us.
There is so much to say about what happened, how each of us felt, how it will affect our future together. I need to get the notes down, because it probably could fill a book, though I don’t trust its usefulness to anyone else but us. I fear forgetting the minutiae.
Each family has to walk their journey together with this illness. None of these paths are going to match. Each little piece of the puzzle will be different and difficult. My best advice is to love, trust love, continue to love, yourself, your hurting family member, the system trying to help them without the support necessary. Love fiercely, love powerfully, love consistently, love in the true sense of the word, as love is an action verb. It moves, it causes ripples, it manages spirit and energy. Love is the most powerful tool in the arsenal against schizophrenia, and all SMI=serious mental illness.
The coffee smell is wafting through the house and I hear a little bug moving in her bed. It will be time to focus on mi Divina.
I hope you understand that she is first, before everything.
We will visit again soon!
Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often
Divina & LaLa 🫶
More readings #AdLink
We’ve curated a list on Amazon of Books regarding Schizophrenia and Mental Illness. We make no recommendation regarding the contents from the authors, we merely have a bunch of books on the subject in one place should you care to read more. We hope to read as many of these as possible ourselves.
Please let us know how they impact your insight into SMI.
What a powerful read, amiga. The way that you anchor each day, each challenge, and each blessing with love is beautiful. I ache for you and Divina. It's never easy for a madre to witness and accept her daughter's involuntary hospitalization. I see Divina's love for you, when she acquiesced to hospitalization for your sake, for your safety. Cómo lo siento, mija. Yet my heart glows too with admiration, as you share your journey, your love. I am sending you and Divina amor and prayers for peace, comfort, and perfect health. Gracias.