How to keep up the pace…

A week I don’t want to repeat

Divina has been a very busy being in this dimension, with much help from her helpers.

I don’t even know where to begin with this week of events.

• Monday we went for shot day~there was no shot available, so dinner instead.

• Tuesday quiet at home because of the rain and thank goodness. Never thought I would be the one looking forward to drizzly weather, but now I get to rest when it rains.

• Wednesday, after work, before getting both feet in the door “Mom, we need to talk” Straight faced as hell. Then wait for news of the shot.

• Thursday, real shot day, bank day, lawyer day, ramen day & last minute joyride.

I am exhausted.

My head is spinning. I don’t even know if I am the right person for this task anymore. So many days are routine, then it all just goes south.

Alarm at 4 AM, I have no will to prepare for work. Then, get up do a bed check…. Do you have to check to see if your kids are still at home in the morning before you leave for work? This is a big red flag if you do. Something needs to be investigated. Mental health of one person does affect that of another.

During those quiet days, after work while I am resting, Divina is either pacing our short 48” trailer, or she is resting in bed. Her time is spent either between conversations internally with the Gods and such, or doom scrolling FB. Which leads the gods to want to trifle with little plans of deviousness, like 3 year olds.

Somehow the conversation of “I have schizophrenia & my husband left me” went to “I have a lot of debt” & Strangers responding “Oh, I can help you with that” She doesn’t even have the common sense to get up and ask me if what these “BOTpeople” are suggesting is plausible. She trusts everybody now.

Divina gave strangers too much information, including her bank account info. We are so fortunate that she didn’t have much money to be stolen from her. But now she owes the credit union and her accounts are on HOLD. They will be closed upon payment of the stolen funds.

If She would have been awarded her disability last week, or next week, she’d be completely out of luck. It would be gone. Everything she owns or possesses is gone, except a humble bedroom with a TV and some clothes.

These people, plague humankind, and prey on the sick, & unwell. If she wouldn’t have come home with me from the hospital, I’m terrified as what may have become of her. Schizophrenia is bad enough without the victimization that follows it.

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Now Imagine your grown up child gives you this news, while you are spending every last dollar on providing for them. How do you keep yourself from not going apeshit angry?

All I could do was listen. Thanks to Dr Xavier Amador and his book I’m reading regarding the L E A P system of dealing with “Anosognosia,”¹ I was able to put into practice this new way of helping Divina. But I dare you to try it under these circumstances. I’m so glad she didn’t lose thousands of dollars.

Now the hurdle of replacing the funds owed to the bank. And open a new account for her “guardian” to handle her funds. Once her guardian is appointed. It drags along, but it’s moving.

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We did create a plan, we went for the shot. Thank goodness, she was agreeable to taking the injection. She has to provide consent until she has a guardian. Divina has already stopped her sleeping medication, her vitamins, her prebiotics, and her secondary antipsychotic Latuda. She has the prescription, and it’s filled, but she won’t swallow the tablets I set out for her.

She informed me last month that she wouldn’t be needing the shot any longer, because God was with her and he would tend to her healing. We did agree though, that the injection was the best way to continue treatment for now, until she could get her disability & medical insurance. We agreed that we would look at the situation further once we achieved those, but It was best to continue the shot & therapy to document her capacity, with the goals we set together.

It’s a very delicate conversation, and what I’ve learned is there doesn’t need to be a battle if no one is in eminent danger. So, I listen. I’m learning the reflective part, but it’s not natural…yet.

She does understand, she is not a child. Since she used to be a very articulate and bright, independent young woman, it’s just as difficult for her to deal with the loss of the previous version of herself, but many of those memories are blocked to her because of the disease. It’s rare moments when clarity strikes, and if she’s not going to follow thru on her RX, there is going to be less and less clarity as we proceed.

I hope I’m wrong, and a solution presents itself. I have faith and have surrendered this course to God, but I also trust the systems in place, and the human intelligence endowed to our race. The North Star moves for us on our path, just like the moon at night. Nothing is certain or steady as we perceive, even the rocks and mountains move. We’re just going to have to accept the flow, albeit slow.

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There is this moment of heartening that happens occasionally, that keeps the tears & fears at bay. Shade will let out a rolling laugh to something the goons are tossing around in her head. To be in earshot of Gods and Spirits in a lighter mood, that’s something we have no control over. When she caught her breath she shared, [not a common occurrence].

“I was taking to little Shade, me, when I was a kid” she giggles

“Oh, how did that conversation go, mija” I asked.

“She says, ‘You have me eating beans’” little Shade brings to grown Shade’s attention.

“Well, We grew up loving everything!” Shade admonished.

That’s what happens when the subconscious tries to make sense of a little girl who hated beans but grows up to love red bean milk tea.

I guess you had to be there… but I’m glad you don’t have to be.

This was one of our Golden Hour Joyrides. We ended today with one quite similar, but we couldn’t stop to take a picture.

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Our Benable is coming along little bits at a time with our recommendations. Included are lists of Divina’s preferences. When she mentions something, I just take note, and will pass it along there. Right now her first list is the Foodie Fun for her favorite spots to get a bite to eat.

Monday she asked for Saigon Bistro having Rare beef & meatball Pho. It’s one of those dishes she returns to enjoy often. It’s fairly health for her too, so I rarely decline her request.

Today, she craved noodles, so since we were on the other side of town, we tried a place new to us, My Ramen out towards Bartow. The flavor was the best yet. Serving size was huge too! I’m going to add it to the list after finishing this article, if no interruptions.

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Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often

Divina & LaLa 🫶

1. #AdLink to Xavier Amador Publication, “I am not sick, I don’t need help”