In A Blink

And not of an eye you’ve ever seen.

Bright morning waiting on the wake up

We were all set to sit down and watch tv. This is a rarity as often Shade has no personal interest in what tv has to offer. The advantage of streaming something has made it convenient. I just have to wait for her to be in the mood which is not often. It’s okay with me. I’m not a tv person either. I’d rather have a quiet corner with the iPad and a keyboard. Let my fingers do the walking.

That is not how this day played out until now.

It was such a beautiful morning. The sun coming thru the window, the temp neither hot nor cold. My divine daughter came into my room to check if I was there. Due to the JOB I’m usually away by the time she gets up. I think she is always surprised on these wonderful days off mid week and she finds me in the house.

I digress, it was a beautiful morning, she found me at home, and we got straight to having a lovely day.

• A little laundry folding

• A smoothie for breakfast

• Back to cuddling in the covers for emotional safety

• Up again to check out what the guys were up to

• Impromptu shower for each of us

• Off to peruse the countryside first with a walk then a ride

• That led to buffet lunch and two full bellies

• Unexpected call from Tio Eric to check in for the New Year

• Then the evening ride around the south of the county

It was a great day, we took it easy, it was playful and bright. Shade was obviously in and out consciouswise, meaning back and forth inside and outside of her own head with thoughts that were spoken to her by someone other than herself. But she had no difficulty in coming back to a connection with the waitress, or a person in line, or me in the next seat over just waiting for her.

We have not determined who the source of these voice are. She is of the mind that it is God controlling her mind. Her God is bossy and a bit of a brute. I cannot fathom a god of love that would treat a subject how she is tortured from the inside out. Yet, It’s not my body, nor my mind, it is her’s and until she claims it back she will continue this struggle of obedience to an unknown.

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Back to the TV. Upon arriving home, I took my full belly nap and Shade was pacing the house as usual. She is forced to and complies. It’s okay because she is safe inside and will not leave. She cares enough to not make me worry, for the moment. It would not be the lack of care, it would be the forced compliance that would change this dynamic. She cares enough and loves enough, but she is also very obedient and loyal.

So waking from a quick rest, we head to her room to watch a show she picked out the other day. “Mary” a show of biblical theme. It’s okay for me to watch these if it really interest her and it did. But as the show started, someone in the choir inside her head put a quick stop to the show. Her countenance turned straight upside down like a frown. Quickly, it was made known we would not be watching this, not together. I was told I’d have to watch it alone, by myself.

She tried to find something else, but they negated everything on the tele. There was nothing suitable that was going to be allowed tonight.

These are the challenges of life. A simple act with happy people together connecting, and a flagrant interruption of her emotional well being to put a stop to it.

I do not know if these guardians are going to let me care for her. It is so disconcerting and makes one feel incompetent. I don’t even know who or how to rebuttal or if I should.

I keep calling therapists offices listed by my insurance. I’ve still not gotten even 1 returned call to set an appointment. At this point, Shade has her welfare provided therapist, and it’s a good thing for both of us. Wish we could go more often, but it’s so over taxed with patients to doctors ratio. IDK how these doctors are holding up with the caseload they have. Fortunately for us, Ms K loves Shade. They both look forward to their visits and are uplifted. It’s a big comfort for all of us.

Now If only I could find my Ms K accompaniment. There are so many questions!

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🌹If things get slow for the coming weeks, do not fret. Shade has encouraged me to participate in a class to be a certified gratitude gathering host through Gratefulliving.org. I’ve shared it a couple times over on GratitudeInBloom.org

It’s 3 weeks of meeting classes on Tuesdays & after partaking, we could host gatherings. Hopefully we can set in motion gatherings that lead to other caregivers & psychosis sufferers. I feel like this is the link we need to form a true caregiver support network.

She told me today, she has the faith to wait, for us to be placed in the space we were meant to occupy, be that a house, or fostering others, or this gratitude gathering network. I’m letting her lead with her heart and watching that the guardians not divert her path to helping herself and others.

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So grateful for you! 🫵

Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often

LaLa & Divina 👋