The egg shells or the music

We only get one choice

The egg shells or the music Van Gogh style in jewel tones by Substack Image Generator

We have been missing from active Substack duty, with just cause.

The PAP on Divina’s medication, [pharm provided directly from the brand as samples] has not renewed. Since they make, own, and provide the medication, we are at their mercy as to when or if it will arrive.

It hasn’t, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Divina’s insurance does not cover this antipsychotic medication, and its cost is $2500 per injection per month. If i had the money, I would just buy it outright, but I barely earn that amount for housing, food and expenses. We are not suffering, but I don’t have it for the medicine or we would be homeless. For the last 2 years, the PAP has provided it, in 2026 it hasn’t been approved to do so yet.

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Prayers seem like a logical solution, except mi Divina has a direct line to God, Jehova, Love, I am causing to become, devil, and a really arrogant being calling himself “Greater than God” There are about a hundred more, but I cannot keep up with all of their names. I did meet Hercules or Ulysses once. I can never remember which one is which. If the direct line to that crew cannot pull a miracle with the Pharmaceutical company, then who can you really call on?

Between the waiting for meds, or phone calls giving us explanations, we did get an unusual phone call from a research study.

Apparently, mi lil nena filled out some forms, the source of which I’m not clear about. Honestly tho, the algorithims in her socials now know she has schizophrenia. Now stop to consider this just for a minute. How dangerous could it be for innocents to roam freely on IG or FB watching reels? Divina received countless offers for income by partaking in a research study.

Now, I did look the information over. It was legit, as far as I could tell. I’m not too innocent, but I’ve been scammed a couple times too. It’s close to home, sorta. It is testing new medications for serious mental illness, particularly schizophrenia.

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If you haven’t noticed, there is a strong uptick in Serious Mental Illness in states that have legal or medically allowed cannabis. Those two little seemingly unrelated bits of information are crossing in a big way with young adults.

Have the conversation if you are seeing some weird behavior with your young loved ones, ie;

• staring at the moon in the daytime

• watching bugs move when they didn’t notice bugs before

• asking grandiose existential questions about the universe or spirituality

• Telling you magical animals like manatees swam up and kissed their feet off the edge of the dock

• TV’s talking to you through the fuzz-this is real, I wish I would have taken her to a doctor when this happened 2 years before the crisis unit

Shade was never a big pot smoker, but she used on occasion, and more so with the urging of her now disappeared husband. Maybe cannabis also causes invisibility? [I want to choke that kid so much, he better not ever show his face at my door. I have a place to stow away his body, kinda joking but not really.]

Also, there is some research to point to cannabis opening up the gene if it happens to be dormant in the family line. Shade never had a chance between Uncle Jimmy’s schizophrenia, and 3 head trauma events. The moment David gave her pot to try and get some sleep was the end of her life.

Brief disclaimer: For Shade’s sake, she loves her husband. Still. If he came to the door today, she would leave with him, and I’d probably never see her again. So I have to really watch what I say about him out in the open air. She hears everything and her subconscious is holding everything dear to use against her.

Words and actions matter. She has both sides of her brain working in tandem and it only appears that she is out of her mind when in fact she is very much inside her mind, deeply inside.

Watch your loved ones and act. If you have any questions call your local mental help line, or you can DM me and we’ll look for it together . This will be a hill I will die on, because I was paralyzed with fear, and did nothing for nearly 2 years. The clues did add up and the fear froze within me and I did nothing but worry. Worry does not help, action helps. DM if you need to talk. I’m no expert, just a mom.

Photo by Nick Brunner on Unsplash

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Now, with no meds for 5 weeks, the call comes from the research study. And if they find us writing about it online we probably won’t qualify any longer, so we must be discreet. The long and short of it is, Divina may be able to participate in a new medication trial. Since they require a 6 weeks abstinence from the injection, she only had to wait a week.

We had to decide if we pursue the PAP and harass them to send meds that are not really helping, or if she tries something that is new, with the possible complications. I shouldn’t have, but I did let her choose. Somedays there are a glimmer of my bright beautiful baby girl in there. Everything I do is to cherish those moments of connection with the divine being called Shade.

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It’s been a tough decision, and it brings some heavy responsibility with participation.

• It is 4 hours to the site

• She may have to be inpatient for awhile

• She goes back and forth on wanting to go

• Once she’s inside, she won’t be released until stabilized

• She is in florid psychosis currently, not having meds for 6 weeks

• We will miss the security of having each other to count on during the trial and it will be scary

• Each visit will be 4 hour drive there, 4 hour intake, 4 hour drive home

• It’s pretty far…if there’s an emergency [which I don’t anticipate, but who does]

• Again, I am paralyzed with fear, so I am averse to action.

Tomorrow is the first day, and it will be one of the longest days alive. But we will be alive together, and we will do our best together.

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We’ve had so much happen the last few weeks, and no way to write it all down

But if you remind me we might get back to cover

• My last day of 59 and how it ended for Divina

• The buzz cut

• The interviews with the guardian committee

• The crypto scam and bank closure

• Our Carolina weekend roadtrip

• Tio & Sugar pop up- that one is easy. Here’s a foto. We had lunch with the family at the Cherry Pocket.

I’m gonna add that place to the Benable as a recommendation. We had so much fun, even with the COLD 🥶

Shade posed for me outside while we waited for the table. She doesn’t like to pose for pictures, so enjoy this rare gem. Note: she does not realize that her big cheese smile looks fake, and she cannot do otherwise anymore. She no longer has a natural smile unless the God’s make her laugh. It’s a very sad reality that Schizophrenia changes people, and much more than their minds.

At the Cherry Pocket.

The egg shells are the things we cannot talk about any longer and the music playing on the phone in the bedroom is the blessing that reminds me that Shade is still in there. It just takes big events to let it rise, then the bubbles pop, and we have to wait for the next one.

Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often

Divina & LaLa 👋

We list Divina’s recommendations on Benable & you can also support at Ko-fi