The Hummmm….

The fridge is running. It’s a lonesome low sound that one would barely notice. It’s going the same pace as Shade. Back and forth from the Kitchen to the bedroom. Finally she plops down on my bed.

From the other room I hear her. She is in full bloom psychosis. Who ever or whatever speaks to her is making her laugh. She laughs out loud, trying to hold it back, but she cannot. 🥺 She hums. It’s an unnerving low sound, not quite laughter, not happiness, more like being tickled when you don’t want to be.

What do you do when someone is not present in your presence? I don’t know at all what she is dealing with. I have to guess. The possesse has total control at the moment. She cannot respond, only hum/laugh.

I ask, if they are tickling her and rub her back to see if she can relax. It does not help as it once did. Sometimes, when Shade is disconnected, the gentle touch can bring her back to me. It is not always the tool to help her break free in the moment. Sometimes it’s ignored, like this time. It’s not a personal thing, but it’s hard to not take it personally.

These are the moments, when I have to remove my own feelings and overlook what is happening to me and focus on her. It can be humiliating for someone on the outside of the conversation to just be the observer. It can feel like the time you went to work and the clic in the corner repeat your name out loud. Maybe I need to get my paranoia a check up.

Then i think, thank god, she is not paranoid, and just has voices. It’s a few more days until her next shot. She’s been on a roller coaster this week. Busy then ignored, then busy then ignored again, being the complete center of attention, then fading into the background. It’s not easy for Shade. It’s not easy for me.

Then I think, Thank goodness the air conditioning and the fridge still hum along. It could be worse, and I don’t want to know how that sounds.

My new therapist appointment is next week. 4th time’s a charm…

Munchies