I don’t know when I began to write this article, but probably early June 2025, I’m going to leave it unedited and just augment from where it left off, jumping to now. Both parts are important views.
There is so much going on with Divina…
She has continued to tell her therapist that she doesn’t want her visits. Yet it’s the most productive advancement we’ve made all year. Mostly due to her being able to vocalize to the counselor what is happening, when she cannot share those things with me.
“I’m possessed” was the reason. Not ill, not schizophrenia, possession.
How to proceed? What do you do next? Who gets to make the difficult decisions regarding her care?
We are so fortunate to have or Ms K. She is a meek, kind, loving person, full of insight. It gets Shade out of the house and out of her mind, so even if she doesn’t want to be there, she still gets up and goes, and talks to Ms K while she’s there.
August 4th, 2025
I had to cut this article last month, and never returned to finish. Too much has happened since this day with the therapist. New meds, new opinions.
We went from being possessed to having conversations with GOD. A God who is not loving, but requires Shade’s mom to improve her loving kindness.
It seems like a different person when she speaks as God. Her voice changes, her countenance looks different. It’s not a joke. She is serious. Today was most taxing on both Shade and me. I must stop whatever it is when Shade speaks, give her/him complete attention.
If I’m writing, it means put down the iPad. If I’m cooking it means put down the spatula. So far I’ve been allowed to continue driving, but sometimes I have to change directions or go home.
God can be bossy. God can cry when his feelings are hurt. God is quite demanding, tho in a soft tone from Shade’s demur persona. 🙅♀️
It is the most frustrating, challenging conversations I’ve ever had to experience. And Shade was not an easy child. She was good, loving, obedient, but very active, We are quite opposite in many areas. She questioned so much as a teenager & young adult, but we’ve always listened to each other.
This is the most speaking God has allowed to pass thru the person Shade, my daughter. [There is no way to even describe how absurd that not only sounds but feels in actuality] It is definitely different than the mother daughter chats we’ve had on the couch, regarding every existential conversation topic.
To be clear, Shade had always had an open freedom to speak to me about anything she might want to talk about. She told me herself, [a bit later] that she tried LSD to heal her head injury 🤕 Then as schizophrenia began to present itself without our understanding of what was happening, she became more withdrawn, quiet, and sullen.
This is not the Shade with schizophrenia I have with me this week. She is talking my ear off. If this article sounds choppy, it’s because I’ve had to set it aside to give God my full attention, which is what I would do for Shade as well, but God requires it instead of just speaking to me like Shade.
I was reading about
how he is trying a Keto diet, not so much for schizophrenia but for energy levels. I do see a big swing in Shades activity, mental activity, pain levels, and how the voices treat her, based on how well she is eating.She recently had a round of antibiotics to ward off infection with a molar extraction. It’s pretty clear to me that gut brain microbiome is a real thing. I don’t think changing her diet will ever allow her to come off of medication, but I do see the difference in how clear her mind processes information, whether it’s god or her.
#AdLink we are using Cook Unity for cleaner eating. If you sign up with her code, both you and Shade will get a discount on healthy meals made by local chefs.
There is so much disapproval in God’s tone when he speaks to me. He gets very flustered when I ask questions, then requires me to ask them in prayer out-loud. something deep inside her is hurt that I don’t believe it is truly god talking and point out the obvious, that which is oblivious to mentally ill Shade.
I knew that Shade still has trauma from the divorce to her father. She has not mentioned that time since becoming ill. I will let her deal with her emotions at her own pace. But it is obviously bubbling up through God’s conversations with me.
Tonight, she requested to pray and confess my sins. It’s come up a couple times now. I don’t lead any conversations, but only respond. Without any guidance, I fumble with these experiences. My only hope is I don’t trigger her and she leaves before the guardianship is complete. There is very little I can do for her if she leaves my presence. It’s the most frightening thought of all.
Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often
Divina & LaLa 👋