What do you do?

More importantly what do I do in this situation?

It’s been very clear this Sunday morning that something very heavy and deep are going on with Divina and the voices. She’s hardly spoken. She won’t respond back to anything I say.

In between the laundry tasks, she comes to me and asks if we can go to the park to walk the trail. It takes a few minutes to get things caught up, but we do go off to the trail at the park.

The park is full, soccer mom’s, dad’s coaching, kids all over the fields. It seems like the perfect Sunday for some. Family being family.

We head over to the quiet end of the trail and shorten our walking route to not have lookieloos [if you know how to spell that, please share] people checking us out for holding hands, or Divina talking to herself. Tho this day she was pretty silent.

That’s a big clue to her inner world, as I’m learning. Someone is not letting her speak. They are being a bully, but I have no clues as to how, what, or why.

We finish our short path and I ask if she would like to double the short trail to make up for missing the other end. She does not.

While we were sauntering along, I tried to direct her attention outside of what was going on in her head. Pointing to the wildflowers barely blooming, the dew still on the grass, the gentle breeze as we pass under the shade of a tree. So refreshing and beautiful the morning air.

She did not care to notice or respond, and she’s pretty onboard usually with the whimsy of the natural world in the moment, if I point it out to her. Nothing was bring her joy nor relief.

When we got back to the car, after our shortened walk, I asked if she wanted a breakfast sandwich at the local drive thru. There was quite a line, but we had nowhere to be but together, in that car.

Her countenance was telling on her inner dialogue, it was not pretty, it was not happy, she may have been beginning to be terrified, not that I think back on it.

We get our food and head to the house. She ate in her room as the boys have been grocery shopping for their lunches for the week. It was a bit busy, but not chaotic. [I know I keep changing through all the tenses while writing, but the information is more important than the accuracy of the grammar today, sorry 🥺]

It’s kinda busy for quite awhile, longer than usual and I am actively up, moving things around to their places, which I usually do in the quiet time after everyone leaves the open area.

I sent the boys out again for laundry soap, Sunday is my only day to wash. So they were not happy about the extra trip, but they did comply quietly. Soap arrived, the boys finally head to their space. It’s quiet again in the main part of the trailer. So quiet, I hear Divina lock her door. Not good!

I gather up the clothes basket for the next round and stop by Divina’s door, asking for her sweaty clothes from our morning walk. She says she’s naked. I don’t care, I respond, I made you and know what you look like. Plus I’m not gonna look.

It takes a bit, but she finally opens up and hands out her dirty laundry. I come back to check on her & give her the supplements we’re starting, and herbal to detox. I remind her that the ingredients were mentioned in the Bible. [little importance to me, but it does motivate her when there is a link to scripture]

She lashes back, “I’m talking to GOD!”

I reminder her that god put her physical body in my care in this realm.

I don’t like that word, nor plane, or level, but I have not found a way to converse and note the difference between this place that our physical bodies are and that place were her mind is operating outside of the physical earth, as she feels. There is no easy way to have these conversations without breaking the trust that she needs from her support system. If I discount her inner world, then I am the enemy, if I agree with her inner world, I am not helping her heal and prolonging her psychotic break. I have to acknowledge her words, honor her belief as hers alone, and let her know it doesn’t matter to me what she believes, I will be here to care for her. But if she doesn’t trust me, we are all just screwed… pardon my English.

So, I make my point. I only have this body, in this world, and god doesn’t speak to me, so I only have the knowledge he let me gain on my own. I have my free will, which comes up often when I don’t obey the god of her mind. I remind her that I must continue to challenge the situation for the sake of her brain health. She replies, “Not really, mom!”

She is obviously fighting something inside, it shows on her face. My words are not bringing peace. There is no need to beat the sleeping dragon and wake the beast. But it may be too late.

She cannot contain her thought, she cannot hide what is happening, “MOM, I’m being raped inside, RIGHT NOW,”

This is real life folks, I’m not sure if my body jumped back, but my soul did. She was trying to push back the terror, and here I was quibbling about free will and connection. This shit hurts. It hurts her, it hurts everyone it touches. It’s killing me. My emotions are tearing down my body to not provoke anything else or show her my true feelings in her presence. She doen’t need it, she’s handling enough.

I don’t know how to respond. I just stand there aghast. Cannot even remember how we separated, if she walked off, If I fell back to let her.

I’ve been watching how she responds to touch, and physical connection recently and noted that she does not want me to hug or cuddle her as often. When these signs start showing up, I know now, something is coming on the inside. I don’t know the triggers, she cannot communicate or understand that something is triggering these “attacks”.

If you possibly have any insight into how to deal with this kind of weird fucked up trauma, I could use the help. I need to keep my head clear, my heart out of the way, and care first and foremost for her physical needs, and continue building her mental health. I’m sure we won’t make it until her May appointment with her psychiatrist,psychologist. I don’t even know what her designation is or means yet. Day to day is enough, and I feel for every caregiver trying to keep their loved one out of psychosis. There must be a way to get out of this hell more often.

I cannot understand why the mind would want to torture its body. It’s crazy… but that’s what they call it

Sharing old pictures today because we don’t feel like pictures when life attacks us this way.

Sending this out imperfect and as is.

Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often

Divina & LaLa 🥺

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I will tell you, last week, not having projects stare me in the face, gave me time to watch some videos and read some articles from others who have schizophrenia. I will keep adding resources to the chat, Benable, & the Pinterest for others to get the help they need for SMI too!

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