Diary of too many days

We’ve had to accomplish so much the last two weeks. It was a cycle of days at full run then full stop.

A year ago, these two were a young married couple, full of love & adventure.

Now there is only silence between them.

We had a visit to a lawyer last Friday.

It still is boding in the back of my thoughts. Guardianship?!

• IS this a good decision?

• How will I afford this?

• It is a lifetime commitment, not to my daughter but to the lawyers chosen for her by the court.

• Is it going to stir up just more problems with her husband?

• Is it going to really resolve anything?

That hamster wheel of questions and self doubt are going to continue running. I just want to make a good decision to protect and care for my daughter.

It is a decision that is going to have consequences for a lifetime for more than just Shade and I. It could actually force us to stop publishing our journey to help others, but we don’t know that it will.

We don’t know what will come from pursuing a guardianship. It should help protect Shade from decisions made in a state of delusion or psychosis. It can allow me to care for her medical appointments and therapies, get her prescriptions. It could also allow me to help her with her financial decisions & responsibilities as a tax payer.

The consult was just a baseline of what can or should be expected. There is also the cost. An ongoing relationship with two law firms and independent examiners who will come into the home to deem it worthy. What if they find it below their standard? Can they take her away? If i get the funds to begin, and get going, there is no turning back. She is not going to lose her schizophrenia.

If I don’t make the effort and someone sweeps in to control her heart and livelihood, being an adult, I will have no legal recourse to protect her, as it will be too late then.

I don’t think Divina understands all of the implications. I don’t think she wants too. She has too much going on in her head listening to Gods and Demons and all the heavenly throng at the same time. It’s just a bit unnerving to be real. What if [Yes it’s a BIG IF] she is connected to a higher realm? Now I sound delusional. And My mental health will be questioned as well by the court.

Do I answer honestly if they ask me if I ever wanted to take my own life? Even if I’m not in that headspace now?

Divina was with me for the appointment with the lawyer, who was refreshingly honest. She was very knowledgeable and spoke quite candidly, though with kindness. We were advised to not partake in a Divorce, should David begin one. We were advised a limited guardianship would be recommended. We were also advised to get the information from the last car accident that caused Shade head trauma, even though a hit and run. That accident happened a month before the confinement.

Having to pull up all this information again for the lawyer was a bit sad for Divina and I, honestly we had moved forward. We keep looking forward, solution based, not too far ahead, just enough to light the path.

Our immediate steps are clearing as we approach, but we don’t know if in the distance we are nearing a cliff.

The Lawyer was last week…

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This week, we went for testing & more dental work. Yesterday was good, but today, was not a great day, yet, we had some great moments together. Those car rides and lunch stops are a grand treat for Shade.

Divina was looking forward to the EEG, It didn’t bother her a bit that the electrodes were connected with paste between her hair. Nor that when they were removed it would leave a residue. Not a worry in the world for how she looked. She is my hero.

She relaxed in the recliner, with around 20 nodes glued to her head, flashing lights, questions, and then 15 minutes of stillness. We giggled that all those cords between the curls looked like Medusa. She was covered with a blanket for the chill in the room.

I asked if she wanted a picture for her memories, she declined. I didn’t want to be a stage mom. She tells me when to do photo opps. She did think we would get the results the same day. But we still have an MRI, so the follow up should get her all the results she’s looking forward too.

Her health & well being are my concern. Her protection and care are my duty. I’m learning now, what I could not do properly when she was younger.

Those scars are still there, but she somehow, she overlooked them and trusted me to guide, protect & nurture her once again.

I will! Till the end of my days! Till my very last breath!

I’m not religious anymore, but I hear the words of an old hymnal “Here I am, send me, send me” and the tears streammmmmmm down my face. “Please allow me to care and protect this precious gift you’ve given me” in Jesus name and in Melvina’s name [my momma] who taught me how to love, by example. Amen🙏🏻

Stay Positive | Be Blessed | Share Often

LaLa 🥹