March 2025

This issue:

• Guardianship

• Dr time

• Shade time

• Me time

• North Star recalibration

Another quarter is leaving and spring has arrived with a vengeance to over rule everything lovely from the past and to plough straight through without caution to what its upheaval wills.

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Guardianship Update

The files are completed, the classes are taken, the signatures affirmed and sent on their way to the courts. What started as a safety net to protect Shade, is now the self inflicted torture device of my sleepless nights. By becoming my daughter’s guardian, I have given all control to the courts to decide if I am in fact worthy of guarding and caring for her. Should I fail, she will be a ward of the state of Florida [if they deem so] and have ultimate say in all her care.

I wouldn’t feel like this was a David and Goliath tale if I hadn’t grown up in a cult. Ordinarily, this relationship would be seen for what any other case with a Florida agency feels like. I do think the intent of the State is to preserve the best interest of the child|ward. It is my own lack of faith in governmental good will that clouds my feelings.

Shade was born on “assistance” Her father did not claim her as a child until after she was born. He still struggles with this. Not the paternity, he knows it’s his only offspring and cherishes her, but the responsibility of fatherhood financially has never been his strength. We see so much living backwards, and I’m not sure it helps us much to figure it out. I’d prefer to see his love and sacrifice for her instead of what he could not accomplish and my co dependence to allow it.

Being born on assistance means, Welfare paid the bills 💵 for her birth, her physical care when she was little, her healthcare. We were in the system almost 3 years since the day I found her little life within me.

So somewhere along the way, Florida, I, and Shades’s father exchanged roles. Florida trusted us enough, meaning, they didn’t go looking for him after we got off assistance, and allowed us to provide the best we could with our new parenting skills.

So Here is where my trust of Florida=[insert any government agency] comes into play. Casework in Florida gets lost, and I don’t need Shade to get lost between bureaucracy. I need the State to have her back. And to some extent, I think it will. There is really no other option at this point to prepare for her future, should I pass untimely.

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Doctor Update

Most of Shades care has stabilized regarding her visits to physicians, therapists, therapies, etc. Her insurance [a local county indigent program] became due and we took the steps early to renew. We still wait for the cards to pursue some services. That’s kind of a normal thing, but shouldn’t be? Everyone understands this delay.

The appointments on hold are the dental, and physical therapy. I forced her to give up the injections in her back for her spine. They interfere too much with her mind and exacerbate the psychosis. I’m not sure that physican’s clinic isn’t an injection mill. I have the inclination to report him to the insurance, but that may cause suffering to someone who really does need those services. It was just too easy to get poked in the back with very strong drugs every month for free. And the office was so busy with patients that the syringes were lined up on the counter for a whole days worth of injections. It was unbelievable how many he was going to do that day.

That Dr was replaced with physical therapy. I really thought that would be so beneficial for Shade, yet she abhors going. She begs me not to take her. What if Florida decides to force their hand and make her go when she does not wish too??? Shade is a full grown 29 year old woman. She is not accustomed to doing things she does not want to do. I’ve always been able to logically explain how an outcome change by us making one decision or another. Now she has not the logic to always comply.

It is day’s like this when I wonder about the families of others. There are many accounts of people diagnosed with schizophrenia here on Substack, to read how they are supported by loved ones. How do their loved ones survive, decide, continue? How do we get to the point of thriving, though the loves of our life are ravaged by such a demonic illness? Oh no, here come the tears…

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Shade Time

Shade spends each and every day pacing. Back and forth, up and down the hall way, down the front of the trailer outside, turn around and back. She is locked inside her head while pacing. She is taking instructions from the heavenly throng. She doesn’t have clearance to speak, only listen. She breaks out from time to time in maniacal laughter from something humorous, but not funny. If caught laughing to herself, she no longer has embarrassment here at the house. She is free enough to pace and laugh and grimace 😬 at will now. Those of us who live with her have no idea if we should step in and speak, or let it go? What do we do? Not a clue.

As long as she is not in danger, or hurting herself or another, we leave her be while she walks around in circles or lines.

She also has the other past time of rocking in her chair outside. I bought her a new chair after the other one broke and sent her to the Emergency room for head trauma. This is a much more sturdy chair. Eddi reinforced the other outdoor chairs so I would not share the same fate. It might work, and I’m glad for his care.

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Me Time

Meant to be a joke, because there is no such thing now. Me time was the time I used to ✍️ write, oganize postcards, or build my mini empire of niche websites. Most of those things are sitting on the sidelines jealously calling me.

Schizophrenia is all consuming, ALL CONSUMING. Right now it is. Between work, and Shade, my body banished me to bed during any other time not functioning for either JOB or Shade. I’m sick again. I started to feel better and saw the Dr for me today. But I’m starting another course of medications too.

Me time has turned into looking for a therapist for myself, sitting in the car alone on the phone to see if she is a good fit. Hoping Shade does not hear any my conversation for fear of guilt or worse yet her subconscious listening and using it against her internally…. NOW there is a wild thought, I never in a million years considered. It sounds crazy, and yet that is where my own mind went.

Damn those luscious Dove chocolates that make you think Me Time is possible with a covered caramel. It is not. And venting about it in an articles is not the solution. Because it causes Shade to be envious of the time not looking or waiting on her.

I think at this point “me time” is taking note of these thoughts and feelings for me to bring up in my next 2 hours a month conversation. I don’t know if it will all fit, so if you have any answers for me… please pass them along and share them in the chat for everyone. No one should have to face this illness alone.

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North Star 🌟

I’ve been trying to keep something on the horizon to reach for. I don’t know what it should be anymore. Should I just be content to live out my life in this broken down body, in this broken down trailer, in the seedy part of town, going back and forth to a stressful job to come home and check on my long gone mentally ill daughter.

Should I try to buy a house that Shade talked about wanting 2 months ago. Should I leave and go West because her gods suggest it?

My compass 🧭 is lost. The only thing I know for certain is to wake up and make sure Shade is okay.

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Thank you for reading 🙏🏻